the lost 'thing'
It’s got to be out there somewhere, surely?!
Image: Evan_Roy via Photobucket

Sshh, don’t tell anyone, I seem to have lost something.

I’m kind of afraid to mention it but it’s really valuable and I do need it back. I’m worried I may not find it again and that really would be a problem. But it’s got to be out there, somewhere. Please, help me find it!

I’ve been re-tracing my steps, going over everything in my mind, to see if Β I can recall exactly where I left it. I’m not entirely sure when I last had it really. I’ve tried picturing it in my mind, but the problem is, I can’t even describe it to you. I’m not entirely sure I knew what it looked like before I lost it. It definitely wasn’t that big, and definitely not very old.

I hate to admit it, because all things cycling have been going quite well, but I’m worried I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and blown it already.

I seem to have lost my confidence.

The last time I was on my bike I definitely had it, but things didn’t quite go to plan – but then it wasn’t any ordinary ride. It was the Team Honk ride for Sport Relief and the route threw in a few unexpected challenges. Nothing horrendous, but it was more challenging than I ever thought it would be. I think that’s part of the problem. Plus, I don’t mind telling you, it’s taken me a week to recover and actually I still have the bruises as memorabilia of the trials and tribulations of travelling along the Grantham to Nottingham cycle path.

So I’ve been sat, assessing, reflecting and analysing – actually, I don’t think it’s my confidence that got lost that day. I think the thing that I lost was ‘the rush’.

What I love about cycling and riding my road bike is that buzz I get. That amazing, feel good, you-did-great-let’s go-do-it-again endorphin rush. And sadly, there was nothing like that with our leg of the Team Honk relay. Don’t get me wrong, I was proud of myself and everyone involved. I was incredibly proud of the amazing amount we raised for Sport Relief and yes, I definitely felt as though I personally had achieved something, but there genuinely was no ‘thing’ after the ride, no felling light and amazing, no endorphin rush! Just a very tired, achey, cold me.

In fact, for the two days after the ride, I don’t mind admitting that I felt more than a little low. I was tearful and kind of disappointed that it hadn’t gone better and that I hadn’t experienced the usual ‘feel good’ factor.

So I need your help. Tell me this has happened to you. And please tell me I’ll find ‘the rush’ again!Β If anyone stumbles across it, please pick it up, inflate it and send it my way.



22 Comments on The lost ‘thing’

  1. Big hug! I can’t say I’ve experienced the dramatic loss/low you’re feeling but a dear friend did last year. He has only recently just started cycling again. It turned out it was non-cycling stuff weighing on his mind that was killing the bike joy: worry over his ailing elderly father. He was having massive anxiety attacks while commuting — sitting by the roadside crying. He has only recently got back on his bike — in very low-pressure situations just like a few on Twitter have been suggesting to you — rides with no pressure, rides where in fact being on the bike isn’t the whole point. I don’t know specifically what to offer but do know that you’re not alone in this and that things do change even when you’re not trying to make them change. Tomorrow you may wake to the sun streaming through your bedroom window and you feel like a whole New You! Who knows? Don’t shut out the possibility. Be kind to yourself, go with the flow for now.

    By the way — that is one cool Cycling Bug Blogger thing you’ve got going on over there to the right. Did you come up with that? Mind if I borrow/adapt it for my own blog? If you’re rather not, don’t worry, just say so! πŸ™‚

    Rebecca Olds recently posted…Nothing But Blue SkiesMy Profile

    • Rebecca, thank you. I feel for your friend. I don’t think I’m quite where he was; just a little low after what I had expected to feel like a real high. I’m sure I’ll find my mojo again soon. It’s out there somewhere…just need to get back on the road bike and ban the hybrid and canal paths to a dark place!

  2. Firstly.. what a great blog!

    Confidence is a fickle thing, it can be gained or lost with the most innocuous of events in life. I battle with mine, being a massive self critic doesn’t help but you are not alone.

    Sometimes bad stuff just happens, the important thing is to assess why it did and how to stop it from happening again, each swing of a leg over a saddle is a chance to learn. I crashed badly last week, i was off the trail and hit a tree, this week, after thinking about why, i had a great run down the same bit of track.

    You’ll get that mojo back.. then lose it again as is the way.. but just have faith and enjoy

    • Thank you for taking the time to comment, thank you for the kind words and thank you for the great advice! I’m pleased to report that today was a much, much better day (thank goodness)! (post to follow).

  3. Ah I’m really sorry to read this πŸ™ I imagine you must be a bit distraught. As the first commenter suggests, pick a beautiful, spring day and do a route that you know you love and I’m sure it will come back. You did amazingly in the Team Honk relay, we did a 9 mile ride and I was chuffed with my effort in that!
    suzanne3childrenandit recently posted…Three Cheers for Grandparents!My Profile

    • Thanks Suzanne, I was thrilled with how we did and the fact we completed but I expected to feel much better psychologically as a result of such a great achievement. I guess the endorphins simply don’t get chance to rush when you don’t get to stay on the bike for any longer than thirty minutes at a time! Well done on your Team Honk achievement. Always lovely to meet a fellow team honker! πŸ™‚

    • Well done on your team honk involvement. I can’t believe how many lovely bloggers got involved – so brilliant to have all worked together for such a great cause. I loved being involved, and I was very pleased with our achievement, I think I just expected to get more of a psychological feel good factor from completing such a distance. I don’t regret it all. And a lovely ride at the weekend with great ladies has really helped to get me back on track.

  4. Although I have not got on a bike for probably about 10 years, I can understand your feelings about confidence. I returned to work after maternity leave in nov and to start with things were fine, but I can feel my confidence slipping even on tasks I know I can do. I don’t feel the same way about it all now. I’m not I can even be that much help to you, but one thing I am doing is remembering why I love my job. Perhaps go on a favourite bike ride, or go somewhere you haven’t been for ages, and see how you feel. I did team honk and walked 10 miles it was hard, I can’t imagine how tough it was to cycle. Hope you get your mojo back soon x

    • Hi Emily, thanks for your lovely comment. I’ve been back out and actually had a great time, so I think I needed to do just what you said. Getting out and remembering what it is I love about cycling really helped.

      Returning to work after maternity leave is hard. Try not to be too tough on yourself and make sure you get lots of support. What you are experiencing is perfectly natural. Priorities change, I think, when you have children and getting back in to work is always a bit of a shock to the system, You’ve been so engrossed in your little one that has needed you for absolutely everything that you confidence in your ability to do other things wanes. It will come back, I’m sure – one step at a time and hopefully good support from your line manager. x

  5. I’m glad you’ve had a better day. I’m not sure how to answer your questions because I don’t think I’ve felt that rush in a long time. I did a small cycle for Team Honk relay and that was the first time I’d been on my bike in many years, but I’m still getting out a couple of times a week but I don’t have the confidence to go very far so I’m not pushing myself further. I’ve decided not to worry about that and I’m concentrating on keeping getting out twice a week to embed the habit and hopefully I’ll want to cycle further in the future.
    Kate Davis recently posted…7 years blogging, 17 years onlineMy Profile

  6. i’ve been feeling the very same way lately. i can’t really offer any advice other than the cliched ‘just give it time’ ..sometimes you just have to try to stop thinking about it and do something different ..i do find that helps a bit.
    laura redburn recently posted…friday florals 039My Profile

  7. I’m not a cyclist but a long distance runner always wanting to beat ‘my’ last PB when it doesn’t happen I used to feel crappy – but I’ve learnt to condition myself to always put the last run (good or bad) behind me and always focus on the one I’m doing next. A year ago I ran an endurance 24hour run – when I arrived I saw that the route was all uphill – I had ran all of my training (stupidly) on the flat with virtually 0 hill training……omg I could not walk down the stairs for a week after the event and it took me 3 weeks to recover and run again x hugs x it will come back
    beth kevill-byrne recently posted…DivaMy Profile

    • Beth, thank you. That is fantastic advice and something I definitely need to get my head around. It’s a few weeks on now and I am feeling much better about it having been out a couple of times since. Leaving that ride behind and focusing on the next one is definitely the way forward I think. 24 hour endurance run?! Wow! That’s impressive! x πŸ™‚

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